two days of confusion (sunday was particularly difficult): and the letter to father prior sits here unfinished, raising duststorms. yesterday I wasnt going to try to finish it, this morning I thought I might, tonight I really want to - regardless of outcome . . . . . tomorrow?
a day of CV's and letters - a sense of not knowing who on earth I am, or want I really want to end up doing: although I do know, but believe it not to be possible . . . . .
let it be possible: there is no going back.
Sunday 27 June 2010
yesterday, I started a long explanatory letter to father prior at st hughs.
it is sitting half-finished beside me now: surprisingly coherent, but incomplete.
whether it will ever be finished I cannot tell although I think the writing of it may be more important than the sending of it.
today, the way is steep and windy: I am blinded perhaps by the very things I was trying to say yesterday. I shout into the gale. [a terrible gale that I remember from worth actually (and I don't mean the 1987 hurricane)].
the psalms are all about me again.
it is sitting half-finished beside me now: surprisingly coherent, but incomplete.
whether it will ever be finished I cannot tell although I think the writing of it may be more important than the sending of it.
today, the way is steep and windy: I am blinded perhaps by the very things I was trying to say yesterday. I shout into the gale. [a terrible gale that I remember from worth actually (and I don't mean the 1987 hurricane)].
the psalms are all about me again.
Thursday 17 June 2010
blindness earlier.
steely determination now.
the st hugh's website states categorically:
men over 45 are not accepted.
I'm too late of course.
[I knew this already].
but then I thought:
it had to be this way;
there was no other way:
in 2000 I wasn't ready:
not by a long chalk.
I had things to learn the hard way
and I still didnt understand what it was to be loved.
now I do.
now I am ready and this is how it must be.
the other thing I learnt (the hard way) was that faith isn't a luxury:
it's not a gift but a necessity for ordinary life.
without it there is distortion and a misunderstanding of fundamental things: both of others and perhaps above all of time.
without faith life becomes [for me at least] a continual yearning for yesterday.
I also learnt that faith is not something one simply has,
it's something that one asks for each day.
rather in the way one breathes in air perhaps . . . . .
steely determination now.
the st hugh's website states categorically:
men over 45 are not accepted.
I'm too late of course.
[I knew this already].
but then I thought:
it had to be this way;
there was no other way:
in 2000 I wasn't ready:
not by a long chalk.
I had things to learn the hard way
and I still didnt understand what it was to be loved.
now I do.
now I am ready and this is how it must be.
the other thing I learnt (the hard way) was that faith isn't a luxury:
it's not a gift but a necessity for ordinary life.
without it there is distortion and a misunderstanding of fundamental things: both of others and perhaps above all of time.
without faith life becomes [for me at least] a continual yearning for yesterday.
I also learnt that faith is not something one simply has,
it's something that one asks for each day.
rather in the way one breathes in air perhaps . . . . .
Wednesday 16 June 2010
despite the fact that I am really not fit for it, all I have dreamt about today is writing to st hughs again. I wondered this evening if father daniel would give me a reference of some sort and help explain the situation.
but what about mum?
would I survive there?
why is this suddenly so urgent?
I think because of the possible tesol course. . . . . . .
either/or decision time.
but what about mum?
would I survive there?
why is this suddenly so urgent?
I think because of the possible tesol course. . . . . . .
either/or decision time.
Tuesday 15 June 2010
started reading wound of knowledge 
(rowan williams) during the night.
struggling desperately with this book:
it has filled me with despair today, but I can't establish quite why.
is it beyond me?
it certainly feels so.
perhaps thats the despair.
it has been a difficult, strange day anyway though.
press on.
(rowan williams) during the night. struggling desperately with this book:
it has filled me with despair today, but I can't establish quite why.
is it beyond me?
it certainly feels so.
perhaps thats the despair.
it has been a difficult, strange day anyway though.
press on.
Sunday 13 June 2010
I stood by a huge tree which was draped in ivy.
I leant against the tree -
[like the monks lean against the wall in choir].
I tried to understand but you reminded me:
don't try, you said
so that you could lead me to a place where I couldn't.
[I find that place hard to bear!]
your hand in mine,
briefly?
my eyes shut.
shut your eyes, you said.
you used a key to unlock.
[I saw the lock]
or was it to lock?
because part of me was bound and gagged.
bound and gagged!
and yet I was wild, but with you.
we were in wilderness.
together.
I knew nothing, understood nothing,
failed and miserable,
you held me and led me
and my hand was in yours. . . . .
I worked on at my prayer.
the work is the joy no?
I leant against the tree -
[like the monks lean against the wall in choir].
I tried to understand but you reminded me:
don't try, you said
so that you could lead me to a place where I couldn't.
[I find that place hard to bear!]
your hand in mine,
briefly?
my eyes shut.
shut your eyes, you said.
you used a key to unlock.
[I saw the lock]
or was it to lock?
because part of me was bound and gagged.
bound and gagged!
and yet I was wild, but with you.
we were in wilderness.
together.
I knew nothing, understood nothing,
failed and miserable,
you held me and led me
and my hand was in yours. . . . .
I worked on at my prayer.
the work is the joy no?
Saturday 12 June 2010
I watched sense and sensibility 
tonight (emma thompson). afterwards I found that my improvising was much better. my music is mostly inspired by other people. solitary prayer is not conducive to great music. I knew that before I think but it's something I have to understand and accept.
a thought from earlier:
heaven is not crowded.
not because there are not crowds there, but because of the nature of heaven itself.
I was thinking of that passage in revelations 16(?):
and I heard a voice from heaven, as the noise of many waters, and as the voice of great thunder.
like a world cup stadium, although I either think of the colosseum in rome or the madjeski stadium in reading which is the only place that I have actually experienced noise like that.
it's clear that john too had experienced this.
but it isnt like that.
there will be no heaving crowds.
but neither will it be one-to-one.
it will be as it is: a myriad of small local communities.
you are the shape of reality
tonight (emma thompson). afterwards I found that my improvising was much better. my music is mostly inspired by other people. solitary prayer is not conducive to great music. I knew that before I think but it's something I have to understand and accept.a thought from earlier:
heaven is not crowded.
not because there are not crowds there, but because of the nature of heaven itself.
I was thinking of that passage in revelations 16(?):
and I heard a voice from heaven, as the noise of many waters, and as the voice of great thunder.
like a world cup stadium, although I either think of the colosseum in rome or the madjeski stadium in reading which is the only place that I have actually experienced noise like that.
it's clear that john too had experienced this.
but it isnt like that.
there will be no heaving crowds.
but neither will it be one-to-one.
it will be as it is: a myriad of small local communities.
you are the shape of reality
difficult night: no idea why.
today, two things: in 'The Lost' one line:
the problem is the solution.
this occurred to me several times.
this linked with:
the stumbling block has become the corner stone.
prayer was very essential today.
the psalms were all different and often not the main focus.
so often, the me of the psalms is actually you.
knowing this is treasure.
yesterday I started singing them more confidently again:
part of the music thing.
this was still unconvincing.
like yesterday, I did improvise for some time:
very weak start but things warmed up once I began to lose my self-consciousness and focussed on 'contact' and 'movement'.
today, two things: in 'The Lost' one line:
the problem is the solution.
this occurred to me several times.
this linked with:
the stumbling block has become the corner stone.
prayer was very essential today.
the psalms were all different and often not the main focus.
so often, the me of the psalms is actually you.
knowing this is treasure.
yesterday I started singing them more confidently again:
part of the music thing.
this was still unconvincing.
like yesterday, I did improvise for some time:
very weak start but things warmed up once I began to lose my self-consciousness and focussed on 'contact' and 'movement'.
Thursday 10 June 2010
my allergies problem.
emotional connection?
spiritual connection?
the music is perhaps a key.
today I spent an hour improvising, looking again for the lost link between the notes and my inner life.
notes and emotion.
but what emotion?
why am I so frozen?
and I go back to my prayer and wonder again if this isn't also a part of the problem.
the first thing I decided yesterday:
even if the prayer is the problem, so be it: there's no going back.
there's no going back.
I know, from experience, how vital it is to remember this.
which isnt to say that there is no going forward though.
my prayer may well be all 'wrong' and I need to be prepared for that.
mightnt it be that my prayer is too 'stoical':
that it is too quietist: leading me into a stagnant pool?
making me feel even less capable than I already feel?
mightnt it be that this very blog is a part of the problem too?
too general, too unspecific?
emotional connection?
spiritual connection?
the music is perhaps a key.
today I spent an hour improvising, looking again for the lost link between the notes and my inner life.
notes and emotion.
but what emotion?
why am I so frozen?
and I go back to my prayer and wonder again if this isn't also a part of the problem.
the first thing I decided yesterday:
even if the prayer is the problem, so be it: there's no going back.
there's no going back.
I know, from experience, how vital it is to remember this.
which isnt to say that there is no going forward though.
my prayer may well be all 'wrong' and I need to be prepared for that.
mightnt it be that my prayer is too 'stoical':
that it is too quietist: leading me into a stagnant pool?
making me feel even less capable than I already feel?
mightnt it be that this very blog is a part of the problem too?
too general, too unspecific?
Monday 7 June 2010
resolve
a difficult day.
very empty and I struggled with this.
you have taken away almost everything I took pleasure in.
but isnt this what I have been asking for?
now, there is nothing barring my way.
there is also a stronger sense of my place in your community -
even when I am more isolated than ever before.
there is impasse, and uselessness, and the deepest sense of separation,
but in you all of this is cancelled out. (I have no clear idea how.)
you are my family.
you are my friends.
you are my purpose.
you are the reason I get up in the morning
(I will find no other).
I must accept things the way they are at the moment - although it is also important to be open to opportunity if it should arise (I am not expecting it to).
my way to happiness is the way things are.
is this not the way that I have chosen?
did you choose it?
very empty and I struggled with this.
you have taken away almost everything I took pleasure in.
but isnt this what I have been asking for?
now, there is nothing barring my way.
there is also a stronger sense of my place in your community -
even when I am more isolated than ever before.
there is impasse, and uselessness, and the deepest sense of separation,
but in you all of this is cancelled out. (I have no clear idea how.)
you are my family.
you are my friends.
you are my purpose.
you are the reason I get up in the morning
(I will find no other).
I must accept things the way they are at the moment - although it is also important to be open to opportunity if it should arise (I am not expecting it to).
my way to happiness is the way things are.
is this not the way that I have chosen?
did you choose it?
Sunday 6 June 2010
on behalf of.
solidarity.
I did wonder if this strange word had links with 'sodalitas' but probably not.
I can't think of a better one for the moment.
fellowship? (a word I've never liked)
loving the desert: never a comfortable place so what's to love?
only the fact that it is only here that you are to be found.
your otherness.
in another place.
but still only here; now
solidarity.
I did wonder if this strange word had links with 'sodalitas' but probably not.
I can't think of a better one for the moment.
fellowship? (a word I've never liked)
loving the desert: never a comfortable place so what's to love?
only the fact that it is only here that you are to be found.
your otherness.
in another place.
but still only here; now
Friday 4 June 2010
it is confusing.
yes, at caldey it is possible to 'stop' praying in that effortful way that had developed and to pray 'with' the monks: prayer happened by itself, but only because I was just one in the boat and we were rowing together. effort actually made it harder. (wrong rhythm perhaps?)
but here, alone, it must be a much more wilful affair.
any complacency and I drift aimless back towards the shore.
caldey has also raised all sorts of dreams in me again - which I had thought I had put behind me.
I am already wanting to visit somewhere again:
'vocation' dreams. . . . .
although my food problems have decided for me that I cannot.
perhaps these dreams should fade:
they are certainly a present hindrance because I can only find you here.
while I am here, so are you.
the dreams can only prevent me from being fully here.
I find it hard to talk coherently about the gospel but will try tonight.
mass reading is mark:
As Jesus was teaching in the temple area he said,“How do the scribes claim that the Christ is the son of David?
David himself, inspired by the Holy Spirit, said:
The Lord said to my lord,
‘Sit at my right hand
until I place your enemies under your feet.’
David himself calls him ‘lord’;
so how is he his son?”
my first problem with this passage:
it isnt only the scribes that claim that Christ is the son of David,
don't the gospel writers fall over backwards trying to do this as well? Isn't it Luke who starts his gospel with the rather tenuous genealogy actually trying to prove that Jesus was indeed a son of David?
But this passage suggests that Jesus was trying to explain that the fact that he wasnt actually a 'son of David' didn't necessarily preclude him from being the messiah.
[Did Jesus ever actually claim to be the Messiah? The gospels seem confused on this as well . . . . after the subject is raised, he often urges the disciples not to whisper a word about it. (why?)
I know He does all the time in John but that is because the words that he 'speaks' there don't seem to me to be words that he actually spoke but the means by which John unravels for his readers the nature of Jesus' messiahship. I used to find this problematic, but now I see that this is John seeing himself as a means by which the truth of the gospel can be unravelled. Jesus' curiously circular monologues are not so much the words of Jesus himself as the words of the Spirit about Jesus and spoken through John.
[The alternative makes Jesus an insufferable bighead.]
Going back to the mass reading, another part of me wonders whether the main point that Jesus is making to the scribes is just how deep their misunderstanding, or perhaps underestimation, of the very nature of the messiah actually is. In this way, I find the passage challenges me too, and yet, at the same time, I quite often seem to glimpse what he is driving at - without quite being able to understand clearly enough . . . . .
this seems to be the nature of scripture . . . . . always reaching towards us out of darkness.
yes, at caldey it is possible to 'stop' praying in that effortful way that had developed and to pray 'with' the monks: prayer happened by itself, but only because I was just one in the boat and we were rowing together. effort actually made it harder. (wrong rhythm perhaps?)
but here, alone, it must be a much more wilful affair.
any complacency and I drift aimless back towards the shore.
caldey has also raised all sorts of dreams in me again - which I had thought I had put behind me.
I am already wanting to visit somewhere again:
'vocation' dreams. . . . .
although my food problems have decided for me that I cannot.
perhaps these dreams should fade:
they are certainly a present hindrance because I can only find you here.
while I am here, so are you.
the dreams can only prevent me from being fully here.
I find it hard to talk coherently about the gospel but will try tonight.
mass reading is mark:
As Jesus was teaching in the temple area he said,“How do the scribes claim that the Christ is the son of David?
David himself, inspired by the Holy Spirit, said:
The Lord said to my lord,
‘Sit at my right hand
until I place your enemies under your feet.’
David himself calls him ‘lord’;
so how is he his son?”
my first problem with this passage:
it isnt only the scribes that claim that Christ is the son of David,
don't the gospel writers fall over backwards trying to do this as well? Isn't it Luke who starts his gospel with the rather tenuous genealogy actually trying to prove that Jesus was indeed a son of David?
But this passage suggests that Jesus was trying to explain that the fact that he wasnt actually a 'son of David' didn't necessarily preclude him from being the messiah.
[Did Jesus ever actually claim to be the Messiah? The gospels seem confused on this as well . . . . after the subject is raised, he often urges the disciples not to whisper a word about it. (why?)
I know He does all the time in John but that is because the words that he 'speaks' there don't seem to me to be words that he actually spoke but the means by which John unravels for his readers the nature of Jesus' messiahship. I used to find this problematic, but now I see that this is John seeing himself as a means by which the truth of the gospel can be unravelled. Jesus' curiously circular monologues are not so much the words of Jesus himself as the words of the Spirit about Jesus and spoken through John.
[The alternative makes Jesus an insufferable bighead.]
Going back to the mass reading, another part of me wonders whether the main point that Jesus is making to the scribes is just how deep their misunderstanding, or perhaps underestimation, of the very nature of the messiah actually is. In this way, I find the passage challenges me too, and yet, at the same time, I quite often seem to glimpse what he is driving at - without quite being able to understand clearly enough . . . . .
this seems to be the nature of scripture . . . . . always reaching towards us out of darkness.
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