my allergies problem.
emotional connection?
spiritual connection?
the music is perhaps a key.
today I spent an hour improvising, looking again for the lost link between the notes and my inner life.
notes and emotion.
but what emotion?
why am I so frozen?
and I go back to my prayer and wonder again if this isn't also a part of the problem.

the first thing I decided yesterday:
even if the prayer is the problem, so be it: there's no going back.
there's no going back.
I know, from experience, how vital it is to remember this.
which isnt to say that there is no going forward though.
my prayer may well be all 'wrong' and I need to be prepared for that.

mightnt it be that my prayer is too 'stoical':
that it is too quietist: leading me into a stagnant pool?
making me feel even less capable than I already feel?

mightnt it be that this very blog is a part of the problem too?
too general, too unspecific?