days at caldey: 

through a passage in a book about meister eckhart I realised that at some point, the prayer has to stop. ie. my efforts at prayer have to stop, and that the spirit of God must be allowed to take over;
not me steering the boat, but you;
painful, effortful prayer of the last few days (weeks actually) led me to realise that I needed to 'step aside'.

when I stopped praying and listened instead, in a trusting way - sure of your presence and not fretting about your absence - a weight was lifted.

you were able to sit beside me and comfort me in my aches and pains.

merton's 'dread'?
certainly aware today of negative aspects of your presence:
nothingness,
emptiness,
the desert,
the wall.
nothing to get hold of;
nothing to latch on to;
nothing to understand;

and yet I can tell that these are perceptions not truths.
and I know not to be afraid because you say
'don't be afraid,'  
and I repeat: 'I will not be afraid'.
I've been here before and fled, 
but experience has taught me that there is no need,
although it is the aftermath which can be most challenging,
which makes the need to return soon even more urgent.
not to do so has dire consequences.
this I know. 

I was very aware yesterday of the intensity of the battle.
this is not a battle that I am fighting,
although I felt close to where the battle rages.
it is however a battle in which I must take sides
and stay firm.
but today I would be hard put to understand the nature of this battle,
let alone to describe it in words.

give more.

the call:
unequivocal

the call further into the desert:
ignored with some difficulty.
but still unequivocal.

lib dem and conservative alliance: sounds optimistic, do-able and perhaps the best of both worlds.
but lib dem and new labour together are the opposite of all those things.

not what I expected
the unequivocal call further into the desert.

prayer: like trying to hang a picture on a wall which has no hook. finally giving up and leaving the picture propped up on the floor. returning later to find the picture hanging on the wall.

thinking about anglican communities again .
mirfield, and, quite interesting, burford, which is now becoming mucknell.
they are building a new monastery where an old farmhouse was. to be finished next year. it seems a small community so how they can afford this is a mystery. the design itself is not the normal roman design as it has the chapel positioned in the middle of the 'cloister' - which is not really a cloister at all but, according to the design, the existing farm buildings. I suppose it saves space but it also keeps new building to a minimum and it looks remarkably 'anglo-saxon' somehow. need to watch this. its in worcestershire not so far from glasshampton.
this anglican idea is quite inspiring, perhaps because it seems to tap into the need to discover what grows here rather than as an outpost of something roman. it's strange to realise that the roman occupation still influences us, however indirectly, through our faith.

homegrown rather than imported.   

I need to learn to love the desert. not because the desert is loveable. it really isnt. it's boring, demanding, and all my familiar demons lurk there. but I am coming to realise that it is the only place where I will find you.