symphony

some time ago I started a piece which got locked along the way and wouldn't conclude. well today I think I finished it. It's musical value (I must resist the temptation to self-denigrate) is secondary to it's spiritual value in that it might be a solution to recent problems - most of which are beyond my intellectual capacity to understand.
the finishing is not important: it's the writing.
I cannot doubt that my music has an impact on my spiritual life but, as my last post reveals, it has often seemed a negative one. Too often it has been either/or: either prayer or music. This was partially resolved in 2003 through a period of lots of composing - but was this just a temporary truce? . . yes, it's true that the music did seem to flow from the prayer in my little rented house . . and remembering this brings me some hope of a more permanent resolution to all of this . . .
today, when I 'finished' my piece (it seemed much more as though the piece finished with me - which is a good sign isn't it?) I was able to return to the psalms - sore, blind and aching it is true but the point is that perhaps the wall between my music and my prayer begins to break apart. Moreover, it seems today as though the only way to do this is to do it . . . . .ie. to make music: quite literally. In other words (it's important to spell this out clearly) the breakthrough will not come from the prayer into the music. The breakthrough will come from the music into the prayer . . . at least that's how it seems today.
Having said that, I am aware that it may be the seachange (whatever that means) in my understanding of prayer and my understanding of the essentially spiritual nature of music that makes a breakthrough possible . . .
and strangely enough it hinges upon knowledge of my enemy - discussed here so often through these past gruelling months: namely, doubt . . .
doubt as the incessant gale, sometimes merely bracing; oftentimes fierce and howling; [a hail of destructive words and thoughts which rains down in my mind from one day to the next] which sweeps all before it unless we cling to God through prayer, word and sacrament. Musically too, it is doubt which destroys self belief and confidence and has rendered me so often silent, frostbitten and numb . . . .
this is a strangely florid post but I wanted to mark this point consciously.
time will tell if it really was one. . . . .

music and me

I'm not sure how essential music is to me.
sometimes it's seems more a chain around my ankles.
but neglecting it only makes it a heavier burden
it is better to carry the chain than to let it drag behind me.

just now, I finished a piece started months and months ago
(more than a year in fact)
and stopped midway - unable to push it anywhere forward
(too ambitious? marvels beyond me?)
it finished itself and, as usual, I have no understanding of it,
no particular love for it;
I don't know what it means or what it 's trying to tell me
(if anything)
I don't know where it's leading, or coming from;
almost as much a mystery as life itself.

one thought helped me afterwards:
stained glass.
my music must be like stained glass.
the first purpose of a window is to let the light through.
so the glass cannot be too thick and heavy.
it's a transparent veil of meaning between.
and it illuminates.
beautiful word!
the glass is just a means to that end:
to illuminate.

certainty and doubt

of one thing I am certain:
that you are god.
but of my place in you
I am rather more doubtful.

I am puzzled by this:
is this a false faith?
to be certain of you
but not certain of me?

the psalmist says:
I am on the brink of the grave.
and that is how it feels:
teetering permanently on the edge of self-destruction;
never quite convinced
in my heart of hearts
that it matters enough.

is it possible then to have faith and no love?
I suppose love involves a sense of personal worth
and there are times when I simply do not have this.

this, then, is my main enemy: self-doubt.
but I also realise that it is an enemy that I cannot fight alone
from the inside as it were.
because I am a prisoner of it
and only you can free me.

but what must I do I wail yet again.
do nothing you say patiently

the last post proved helpful.
my main enemy - musically as well as spiritually -
is uncertainty,
doubt,
self-doubt,
timidity,
fear of imperfection,
hesitating,
lack of courage . . .
I myself am the enemy
but, once this hesitant position is adopted,
the rest of the world is quite happy to play along.
it says,
'so you are a victim?
then be the victim:
we trample at your command.'