merton's 'dread'?
certainly aware today of negative aspects of your presence:
nothingness,
emptiness,
the desert,
the wall.
nothing to get hold of;
nothing to latch on to;
nothing to understand;

and yet I can tell that these are perceptions not truths.
and I know not to be afraid because you say
'don't be afraid,'  
and I repeat: 'I will not be afraid'.
I've been here before and fled, 
but experience has taught me that there is no need,
although it is the aftermath which can be most challenging,
which makes the need to return soon even more urgent.
not to do so has dire consequences.
this I know. 

I was very aware yesterday of the intensity of the battle.
this is not a battle that I am fighting,
although I felt close to where the battle rages.
it is however a battle in which I must take sides
and stay firm.
but today I would be hard put to understand the nature of this battle,
let alone to describe it in words.