my time at caldey:
disorentiating.
no 'crisis of belonging' as in the past
but a different kind of focus lost.
this soon became a blanket fog.
I couldnt discern whether this was because of caldey or merely coincidental.
but on my final day, attending the early office became a focus in itself:
my way of giving.
so what I was seeking was to be found in my own response.
an act of will I suppose,
a phrase I've never understood before.

robert said: "it's the office that holds everything and everyone together".
(or words to that effect.)
opus dei.

my return yesterday, unlike other returns.
spiritual independence?
or perhaps something to do with 'creativity' again?
or just being me, over and against you?
its really hard to tell.
but certainly the strange sense of being lost continues
and again I feel myself fighting against an incoming tide.