really, this blog is completely about my relationship with you.

and sustaining it.

this week has surely been the worst since I came to Iceland. . . . . 

starting over then. 

again, this feeling that my life with you is inseperable from my illness in some indefinable way;

that my journey to health has to start (and finish) with you.

If only I could really understand this consistently.

the voices of derision and irrelevance nag away day by day, 
sometimes overwhelmingly powerfully.
but the same could be said of my work:
this so often seems inadequate. 

really the one needs to feed into the other:
but so far attempts to do this flounder.
(it's not something that one can 'attempt' of course:
a matter of the heart only.)

this blog is also about my creative life.
at the moment it IS my creative life -
my music sparking into life only for briefest moments -
my work should help with this, and indeed it does at times.
certainly not consistently though. . . . . .
not in a way which can help me overcome the everpresent dualism.
(music v prayer)

reading through this again I realise that you ARE my creative life.
I have no creative life apart from you.
my music can now only spring from you and return to you.
In truth it never did.
But instead of freeing me it binds me because this too is a matter of faith.

is this something I have only just realised?
do I - even now - realise this?
will I ever really understand this?