nothing we can say about you does anything other than mislead.  we can only understand you by meeting you.
beauty can never be described: it can only be witnessed. the very word only creates in the mind half-glimpses of dusty images which have almost nothing to do with reality.   

"In the days ahead, the Christian will either be a mystic (having had direct experience of God) or nothing at all. . . . ."        Karl Rahner

I was listening to a talk given by Tim Radcliffe the Dominican in St Paul's Cathedral. He said, "You will know your vocation by the joy it gives you."

"why do you reject me? why do you hide your face?"
only, it is not I who am speaking, but you..

I have no answer. 

interesting photo

from "the hermitage within"

At the outset, in spite of what you have read and what you call your experience, you will not know what the desert has in store for you.

There, as elsewhere, no two souls follow precisely the same path, and God never repeats himself in his creatures. Very rarely, if at all, does he reveal his designs in advance.