memory and faith

you do not show up in photos.
there can be no memory of you from yesterday.
and  I think this is why we forget you so easily; so speedily . . . 

"last week I gave you space and I knew you and loved you
(to know you is to love you)
on monday (I am speaking hypothetically) I didn't have time
then on tuesday I forgot . . . mostly . . .
then on wednesday I couldn't remember   . 
on thursday I doubted
on friday I resented
on saturday I stopped believing
then on sunday I was just angry"

you are only present in the now -
in the here and now.
this is the only place we can meet you . . . 
which is why there is the daily struggle to stay with you.
and why the thread that binds is so fragile; so easily broken

another thing.

I realised today:
when I speak to you it is not I who speak but the spirit speaking through me.
the "trinity" is not just a philosophical implement but a reality.
I have glimpsed this before but it's important to fully understand this: it helps so much in the blank times. 
you are never absent;
those dark times are not absences but places where I do not comprehend.
then I need to remember the essential word "faith".
having faith is not something I do by myself because faith itself is a gift from you;
but not just a gift from you - more a gift of you - to me.  
so there is no faith that is not given to me by the spirit - which then carries me into the life of God - into the "trinity" itself
the dark place becomes a stepping stone into your very presence.