wading through oceans of negativity today. in search of you, neglected again this week. I know for certain how much I rely upon you and yet still I tend to run - in search of a different sort of freedom: an escape into illusion and a deadend. I know this and yet still I run there. .  . .

yesterday's post is, as my posts mostly are these days, badly written and, as usual, full of non-sequiturs.

just one point about negativity though: the negativity I am wading through today isnt just mine. As from my first days here, I am bound to share the negativity of the people around me - particularly because of the position I hold. My prayer then is probably less about my own negativity than I realise.

If this is really the case then it does explain a great deal about why it has been so immensely difficult to stay here. It also helps me to put my own sense of inadequacy (so profound at times) into a better context. 

All the more reason for persevering I think.

a day at a time . . . . . . .