it is as though essential things I learnt at the house in Wales have somehow been left there.

(this is surely why it is important to stay rooted in one place).

it seems to hinge on your 'absence'. 

or rather the way in which you are present in your absence.

(your absence being perception only, but also more than that in some special way).

this 'special way' is something I felt I had begun to understand in Wales.

but now I see I have to relearn all that in this new context.

(place is clearly even more important than I realised.)

the spiritual life then is nothing if it is not a constant 'starting over'.

any sense of 'progress' is probably self-deception more than anything else, and no doubt very dangerous in itself.

in this way, of course, any sense of  needing to 'start over' becomes a blessing because it frees us from that very self-deception and carries us immediately miles closer to you, although it would be similarly dangerous to place any weight upon this.

perhaps this then is where 'absence' becomes meaningful. 

(being aware of your presence certainly carries dangers of its own.)

I am suddenly aware that it is not wise to dwell too much upon the 'dangers' of the spiritual life. That path too is fraught with dangers of its own. 

[and so even the dangers have dangers; one seems surely lost before one has begun and "this can become a great burden to the traveller".]

the essential thing to remember is that none of us travel alone.

prayer may seem the most solitary activity of all but that is perception only and not the truth.

in truth, the work of prayer is nothing if not a 'working together'.

indeed, I would go so far as to say that I am never less alone than when I am at prayer. 

and so when your absence bothers me it is mostly because I do not trust enough and you are calling me to trust more. 

today at psalms: music;

an idea to create a wordless music behind the psalms. (I could even hear it!)

later on, I realised that the psalms are already music:

the musicless words become a wordless music.

[which is what all my improvising already is.]