Is it that I seek freedom from myself?

this too is foolishness because there is no way to you except through my own being.

this thought does nothing to ease my anxiety.

tonight I was thinking that one day fairly soon the world would be free of me.
this seemed quite a Good Thing. . . . . . .
but such negative thoughts!
do I really loathe myself that much?  
and if I don't like myself how can I possibly like anyone else?

come to think of it, do I really trust anyone else?
probably very few:
even people I have grown to love.
people are not to be trusted.
you can love them heaps, but in the end they may well fail and let you down,
just as I have let others down. . . . . . 
my own response to someone who lets me down is quite often a shrug of the shoulders.
I know not everyone is as unreliable as I am, but many are.
Perhaps I have never expected others to be trustworthy.
Has this kept me safe, or is it my greatest failing?
perhaps both?

the psalmist says, 
" no man is to be trusted."


is he right, or just too worldly wise for his own good?
a tired, weary old man? 

the Christian way is not always the wise way.
or rather, Christian wisdom can seem very unwise indeed to the worldly man.
the Christian way, surely, is to trust even when we know we cannot trust.
isnt this what you do with us?
you trust us, even when you know we are not to be trusted.
you know we will fail you, but you still trust us - against the odds.
the Christian way is your way.

and so trust and love are not the same thing? 
or perhaps it is the response when someone fails us which is important.
in that case is my 'shrug of the shoulders' the same as 'forgiveness' or something less?