this morning

this morning prayer had a very clear purpose:
and the focus became:
living in a toxic world.
the only way to live (capital L)
in such a toxic world -
a world of disappointment, tragedy, heartache and,
above all,
doubt.
self-doubt,
God-doubt,
neighbour-doubt,
all sorts of doubt:
a world where difficult compromising decisions are made off the cuff -
usually without all the proper facts;
a world of grey clouds and dark corners,
of sharp hidden fences and cold muddy ditches,
a world of angry judges and wild accusations,
inflicted by self and others,
willy-nilly and ruthlessly,
a world where, although everyman once longed for love
(more priceless than the rarest of precious stones)
like mr scrooge, he learns, over the years,
in his desperate bid for survival (small s)
to manage without it . . .
and having done that, he gradually forgets what it looked like;
felt like; (even those who once knew it so so well)
and then [fatally] no longer recognises it when it walks past him
[that dismal day in Torquay].

because [this suddenly strikes me as crucial]:
yes, omnipotent placeless timeless god -
but love comes to us in a time and a place
and no other way . . . . .
and we must then recognise it.
because only when we have recognised it
can we make our yes/no decision . . . . .

I am straying from my thought this morning:
which was all about the enemy,
the enemy is only one:
doubt . . . . . .

[this strikes me as rather dangerous -
this could turn me into some sort of fundamentalist couldn't it?

perhaps the real problem with fundamentalism is that they look for certainty
in doubtful things,
certainty is then entirely misplaced and so a house is built upon sand.
certainty can only be in certainty -
and there is only one thing that is certain:
faith,
blind, single-minded, totally undoubting faith . . .
and how does one come by that?

I have no idea,
except that I do know that it comes as gift
(asked for over and over perhaps?)

[and on the subject of timeless placeless god -
it did occur to me I might have got that all wrong:
there is a fundamental difference - is there not -
between a timeless placeless god
and an all-time all-place god?
it feels different at least,
though perhaps I am counting angels on pins?]

and so, going back to my morning prayer,
the purpose was clear and unequivocal:
in blind faith:
dark, forbidding place that it seems -
irrational and medieval as it seems -
there is the only way to defeat the enemy
doubt.
and we cannot do that by ourselves because blind faith is a gift
which comes only with presence
because there, hidden in this blind faith, are you yourself:
unequivocal,
all-conquering,
unassailable,
and total joy.
purest of pure,
fullest of full,
most glorious of glorious . . .
I could go on but it's way past dinnertime. . . .