holistic

I restarted my journal and typed away furiously this morning after a difficult night.
mostly about the place of music in my life
over and against the prayer . . . .
the essence here:
"my music too . . . . died for want of faith. I lost faith in music, not just my own music; in its healing nature; in its ability to carry me even one step closer to you."

I've been keeping an 'illness diary' anyway:
tracking what I eat and other circumstances in search of an explicable cause
but I am not throwing my net wide enough:
after yesterday's turmoil and the ensuing night
this is clearly as much a spiritual problem as a physical one.

and even then I am not throwing my net wide enough.
'spiritual' must be more inclusive of the rest of my life.
[I have misunderstood something essentially christian here].

yes there is rejection and isolation.
partly sought; mostly not.
if there is not a physical way out
(I cannot presently see one)
then I must search more deeply for a spiritual one
and that must include my writing and my music . . .

"I had decided at some point that my prayer was the most essential aspect; that by prayer alone could I come closer to you; that by silence and solitude I might reach a point of what might feel like ‘authentic communication’. At the same time, the sudden draining away of my need to keep a journal at all (or to write music at all) seemed a step towards fulfilment. Except that all it has actually done is to isolate me further . . . .

that was this morning.
there can be no going back.
the way of prayer lies open before me.
but the place of music and writing in that life
must also remain open.
let God be God
and let the music be what it must be