talents or the difference between work and life

in my confusion I turned to the piano
and poured so much of me into it
that I decided on music college.
but when music became my work:
it could no longer be my life.

seeking answers in philosophies
I poured so much of me into them
that college friends called me a 'talking head'.
of course, my philosophies fell apart piece by piece.
until nothing was left but you.

you.
impossibly.
I did convert [or revert?].
there were plenty of reasons.
and I poured so much of me into my newfound faith
that I wondered whether to be a monk.
I wondered and wondered for years
and when I returned from iceland
I did accidentally join a monastery.
but when prayer became my work
how could it be my life?

I couldn't stay. I couldn't stay.
even knowing what I now know
I still couldnt stay.
but when I left, in my confusion,
I did fall into the Deep Dark Hole.

starting with confusion.
my main desire was to get unconfused.
in retrospect, having insufficient talent was no bad thing:
it's easy to get bogged down along the way.

I am still confused of course.
but in hindsight I can see that
being human is learning to live with that.

knowing who I am would be as fatal
as knowing who you are.

could the acceptance of 'not knowing'
(and not needing to know)
be what faith actually is?

something tells me that all will be well
only when I can say,
completely truthfully:
'it doesn't matter.'

how wrong that sounds!
which only goes to show
how far off I still am.